Me neither…..

The University of Suffix having created a new Chair and Department of Virologically Cultural Modelling Studies, The Slog has been given exclusive access to its first staff meeting on the subject of creating a gestalt for every heads-up subject in the progressively already settled-science space, whereby such can become enshrined in all Law everywhere without exception. Or else.

Professor Neil Bending: The obvious success of obliterating all human history so far has been such that I would ask all teaching staff in this new discipline to vote in an open-minded manner to extend this practice. Openness being a key to progress, may I have a show of hands please?

(Record shows seven arms saluting in solidarity)

PNB: Thank you for that enthusiastic support of our search for Absolute Proof. Are there any immediate suggestions as regards initial further topics for correction?

Eva Braunshirt: Well, if I may, I would like very much to study the correlation between the defacing of lesbian statues by inadequate men, and the 37% rise in Islamophobic attacks on our Muslim sisters.

PNB: A worthy cause, Eva. Anyone else?

Clyde Bogeybum: De time is now brudda an’ I ain’t waitin’, so diss how it godda be muddafukka, I needs a five-year stipend to prove how whitey slave trader brainshit steeill alarve, an’ lyin’ theyarr in the de honkey brain as DMZ….dat gon’ get me one o’ them theyarr Noe-Bell Prarzes at the eyend an if ah don’ git wern, man dere gon’ be riots ter burn evvah honkey’s ass, knowhaddamsayin’ heeya?

EB: I say, right on Clyde.
PNB: So….you want to compare the DNA of slavetraders to those of Caucasians now, and….

CB: LissenwhenItalkin’ bro’, I don’ gieve diddlysheeit ’bout no fukkan DNA, I’m talkin’ about Dee-Emm-Zee muddafukka – issa whole noo theoree riyet there – Demonic Mind Zealots. Whitey, he full o’ sheeit bitch, an de reason’s rart theyer between his fukkan ears on account hizz heayed, it fulla Demons…

EB: Excremental Demons? Gosh….

PNB: Absolutely fascinating Clyde…do you have evidence that these, er, demons exist….

CB: Whaddafukk you think ah need de stipend fo’, man? Dem goblins, dey dere ohrite, an’ I’m de nigga ter fand theyem an’ the time is now an’ take dat fukkan knee!

(The Committee leave their chairs, crouch on one knee and give the Black Power salute)

PNB: Excellent….now, what about you Den?

Denholme Smashbigot: I want to build a model to help activist Progressives detect the Toryscum20 virus now so rife and deadly in our population.

PNB: I see….and would this model be mathematical or virological?

DS: Primarily wood, with the addition of some metal.
EB: Wow…..visionary.

PNB: So would you….ah, use it like some form of water diviner to detect such a virus?

DS: Not really, Brother Bending, no. I would construct a brief questionnaire, and the model would be portable

PNB… a tablet then?

DS: No, more like a club manufactured on the scientific principles laid down by Bill Sykes.

PNB:….and the questionnaire?

DS: “Have you ever thought about voting Tory and would you consider doing so in the future?” If they say yes, I hit them with the club to ensure they are socially distanced from healthy citizens

CB: You break deir heads, an’ ah look for de demons…..

PNB:….and how would the social distancing work exactly?

DS: They’d be dead. And if he’s agreeable, Clyde can use the heads for his research…
CB: Yo’ ma man, now you cookin’ on gas white boy….
EB: Wowzer….

PNB: This level of creativity is wonderful to behold….and now, who’s next?

Polly Toybrain: Yes Professor, it is indeed stimulating to see so much innovation in our Think Tank which is still nevertheless safely outside the box underneath our comfort blanket….
PNB: Eloquently put, Polly…
EB: Gosh yes – you’re still a star after all these years…

PT: How kind, but as you will know I have long been a columnist for The Gaudeamus newspaper, and my predictive consistency remains legendary today…
PNB: Quite so, Polly – do give us some examples…

PT: Well, for example, the election results for 2010, 2015, 2017 and 2019 elections, the 2016 Referendum on the EU, why Brussels had a stronger hand than we did, Boris Johnson’s chances of becoming Prime Minister and Dianne Abbott’s ability to grasp a subject and give a media interview without appearing to be terminally thick.

DS: A terrific record Polly….and of course vilified by the Nazibigotracistscumhomophobic Jewish media cabal that still grips British equality warmly by the throat, and persists in this myth that you were in fact wrong about all of that….

PT:….when I was of course right about all of it, but all the bad people got it wrong and only the good people got it right

PNB: Such a tragedy….so Polly, what would be your chosen field of study?

PT: Well Neil, I think by far the biggest threat to our inclusive multicultural society is, without any doubt, fake news…

(Murmurings of ‘Hear-hear’, ‘Exactly’, ‘Surazzshit’ etc from around the table)

PT:….I mean, let’s face it – real news as found in The Gaudeamus is totally outnumbered, especially as nobody’s reading it any more….
EB: For shame!

PT:….and apart fom the New York Times, Washington Post, Independent, BBC, Sky, London Times, CNN, Bloomberg, Daily Mirror and Financial Times, there is nobody to counteract the incessant barrage of cynical Little Englander fascist racism emerging from lots of beastly Farage supporters on the internet….

PNB: So, er….what would your thesis be about Polly?

PT: I should like to construct an encyclopaedia of things that are real and things that are fake.
EB: My hero!

PNB: Brilliant….and so simple. Something every Progressive can agree about…
DS:…and something the SWP I mean the Labour Party can use to smash the heads of the Far Right out on the streets…

PT: ….er, yeeees, a multi-usage force for good. I thought of calling it Polly’s Pocket Book…

DS:…like Mao’s Little Red Book?

PT: Exactly….something everyone buys for those moments when fake news gives them quite understandable doubts about the settled nature of socialist science.
PNB: Can you give us some content examples?

PT: Of course…Islamophobia is real, rape gangs are fake; trans women are real women; two genders is fake, infinite genders are real; positive discrimination is good, having to work at recognition is bad; trans men can menstruate; Dominic Cummings is the AntiChrist….
EB: All men are rapists
DS: ….contrarian thought is tyranny…
PNB: ….Boris Johnson is a contrarian rapist tyrant who has literally killed billions of people by being too lazy to organise Lockdown earlier…

PT:….and last but not least, fake media should be fined, and The Gaudeamus awarded affirmative action in perpetuity by being obligatory reading for all Under Fives.

PNB: Terrifically inspiring as a model for correcting the balance towards, um, absolute correctness….tell me Grockel, as a passionate Green hero, does this have relevance in relation to the condemnation of climate-change deniers?

Grockel Teenturd: Poo pants.

PNB: I’m sorry?

GT: Poo in pants

EB: Gosh, is this yet another revelation from the Wunderkind?
DS: Yes…yes….I see – the Antifa symbolism….throwing their excrement at the reactionary scumbigots?

GT: Poo in pants. Smell.
PNB: Right…so don’t wear underpants….better for the environment…
GT: Me. Poo in pants. Big stink….

PT: I did notice a scatalogical odour in the room, I have to say…

PNB: What?

CB: Izz yo fuckan deaf muddafukka? De bitch done shit her pants, bro…
EB: Oh.
DS: Ah.
PNB: Um. Right. I say Polly, would you mind awfully…er, you know, escorting Grockel to our trisexuality Wimmins’ Room…

GT: Sticky poo all over chair. Why chair plastic?

(Grockel glares venomously at Professor Bending)

GT: Skit overallt…..javla stor stink….

PT: I’m sure you’re right, dear…..this way if you please…

EB: Breathtaking symbolism…