Driven into the arms of literary critic and part-time pun-mogul Paul Cardin by Lockdown boredom, Nobby Dee gets into fishy Wirral waters involving halibut pellets, hard drugs and nymphomaniacs.
T’other day, I spoke to my literary agent Paul Cardin the proprietor of Wirral In It Together, and he suggested that rather than spend all my time masturbating in the privacy of my own home repeatedly viewing the YouTube coverage of Saddam Hussein’s execution, I’d do better to spend my Loc kdown time writing a book.
And I have. I’ve begun to write a book. Cognisant that one should write about what you know, I’ve decided to write a book about fishing for Barbel. It’s a wonderful read. It’s about me fishing for Barbel. Basically, it’s me getting up in the morning, having my breakfast, getting hold of my Shimano Classic Vengeance Barbel rod, reel and other stuff and lugging it all down to the river. Once there, I sort everything out, set myself up to pursue the Barbel employing a halibut pellet mounted on a hair rig that’s cast out upon a bed of hemp seed and sweet corn.
Then, I sit there for hours on end doing absolutely nothing watching and waiting for the end of my Shimano rods 3 ounce quiver tip to twitch about and signal to me that the Barbel might be ready to bite.
Indeed, just so the reader can fully experience what it entails to catch the Barbel and fully appreciate that bugger all can happen for hours, I advise the reader to stop reading, make a brew, pop to the shops and after about an hour pop back, open the book and start reading again. This I think gives the reader a little taste of what goes on when you pursue this fish. Basically I want the reader to get the full tedious and boring experience of what it takes to catch the Barbel. Through my written prose I cleverly transport the reader from their home to the river where they’ll get a real taste of what it takes to catch the barbel. I’ve titled it, ‘What It Takes To Catch The Barbel.’
I sent a draft manuscript of the book, ‘What It Takes To Catch A Barbel’ to my friend Paul and within a few minutes he responded by saying, ‘ this is the worst thing I’ve ever read. Other than burning it you should consider incorporating stuff like sex, drugs and violence in order to gain the readers interest’.
And so I did. I took his advice. The content of the read, ‘What It Takes To Catch A Barbel’ is exactly the same as it originally was except I’ve cleverly crafted some sex, some drugs and some violence into the story of me on the river trying to catch a barbel.
The changes, which I’m assured by Cardin now make the book a huge page turner, involve me sat there minding my own business watching my quiver tip when all of a sudden the entire membership of The Ten, The Tranmere Ten Dogging Association, who happily for me are all beautiful women, come dancing and gyrating out of the bracken chanting, ‘pull your pants down fatso. Something extraordinary is going to happen’. Then one after another I’m violated by them all and subjected to non consensual acts of physical love. And despite my pleas of, ‘You wanton promiscuous strumpets. Fuck Off I’m fishing for Barbel employing a halibut pellet cast out upon a bed of hemp seed and sweet corn’, the ordeal continues for hours.
Then after it’s done and I’m thoroughly exhausted from it all, the leader of this Dogging Association, a woman with a vagina that needed a ‘ Men At Work’ warning sign positioned before it, suddenly pulls me to my feet and delivers me The Kirby Kiss head-butt in an act of unprovoked violence.
Finally, to complete the three necessary ingredients of sex, violence and drugs that’ll enhance the prospects of my book ever getting printed, I’m packing my stuff up with the intention of bathing my testicals and getting my forehead stitched when a kindly young pleasant fella tips up on his bike and says, ‘would you like to purchase some heroin?’, to which I reply, ‘Yes please’.
My friend Paul who’s now read the amended transcript is thrilled with its outcome and his words, ‘You’ll definitely masturbate once you’ve read this’, will be incorporated into the foreword of my book, ‘What It Takes To Catch A Barbel’.