The Shadow Chancellor’s ‘give banker fines to the NHS’ gambit is based on multivariate ignorance

Ed Balls is a moron. I’ve tried to skirt around this irrefutable fact for two years now, but all roads in my mind lead to moron. The Morley Moron. The Marathon-Moronic Morley Mauler. The Marathon Mauler from Moronic Morley. I could go on.

This morning, hes all over the televisual media calling for £1bn in banker-scandal fines to be invested in the NHS. It’s winner that one, and no mistake: nasty bankers forced to support NHS against their will. Win-win, doubly-whammy, wow-wow-wo-woooo let’s hear it for Morleyman.

But this act of wanton populist opportunism sums up what Balls is about: f**k the rule of law and equality before that law, let’s garner some votes. Let’s not worry about the fact that, if we don’t get debt and deficit sorted soon, there ain’t gonna be any NHS. Ed simply thinks, ‘I mean, my brother brought in all those Hedgies to sort out my bankrollers at the Co-Op – I’m even called a Labour Cooperative MP – but listen, when my ample arse is on the line, comme il faut and all that: at least I was honest and stabbed them in the front. It was all for the good of the cause’.

Let me explain what the overwhelming majority of voters in this country want to see. Fed up of watching banks set aside after being caught defrauding everyone, they want to see bankers given twenty years at the millstone in Reading gaol.

But Ed prefers money, votes and power to people you see, because Ed doesn’t get people. He just thinks, ‘and anyway, there’s the good lie and the bad lie, I mean my friend Alan Rusbridger taught me that. My wife is the good woman of Szechuan and together we are on a great journey and nothing must be allowed to get in the way of that because it is our manifest destiny and I shall be her Chancellor and we’ll go down in history as the greatest oooh oooooooooh Yes yes Yes oh f**k it, I’ve ejaculated’.

What the Constitutional Rule of Law needs in Britain now is a lot of guilty hacks, genuine powerful paedophiles and bankers to go to jail. What’s required is the restoration of public confidence in a judicial system royally rogered by people like him.

But we mustn’t forger that this is the Moron from Morley we’re dealing with here. Our Shadow Chancellor: the idiot who single-handedly scuppered a Lib/Lab deal after May 2010 with a petulant display of playground rudeness. The sociopathic suit who’d rather out-neo the neoliberals than call the entire austerity programme out as a crock of half-baked, pea-brained Friedmanism. The bloke who barely gets the flag unfurled ready to run it up the flagpole, before switching to another flag. He’s a Brownite, he’s an SDP hater, he’s a cloth-cap Socialist, he’s a Harvard process twit, he’s an SDP lover, he’s a Blairite, he’s modern Labour, he’s a smart-suited Monetarist.

He’s everything that was ever needed in a grubby politician….with nothing we need as an economic leader.

But he could top the Bill at The Good Old Days with ease:

MoC: Ander now ladies and gentlemen, a Magnificent display of Magically mangled mirthful mysanthropy….

Audience: Oooooooooooooh

MoC: ….a Monetarist Make-it-up-as-we-go masturbating Muppet of muddled meddling and moral malignancy….

Audience: Eeeeeeeeeeeeee

MoC: …..ladies and gentlemen, I give you Yorkshire’s very own matriculating marvel from Morley in yet another mysterious maze of mental money-management….the one and only….

TEDDY TESTICLES!

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