I have been travelling of late, albeit trying at the same time to stay in touch as Carry On Covid morphs rapidly into The Omicron Omnibus of Lewis Carroll (Wacky Baccy version).
The Story so far: Prime Sinister Doris Jobsdone and his depraved assistant Mad Mike Govicron are in receipt of “very disturbing data” about the South African Black Death variant. It seems that this homoaeopathically deadly mutant is giving out false clues suggesting that it’s maximum power weighs in at 3.7 sniffles only because the Ulumboola savages haven’t been vaccinated. In an amazing act of disorganised stupidity, the beastly and flippant SA Government has produced a very high level of Whitty’s Impossible Herd Immunity completion via the insanely dangerous route of leaving Covid19 alone to cull 24 per 10,000 of the population suffering from Alzheimer’s, bellies that arrive two minutes before their arses, AIDS and Already Dead Syndrome.
Now read on…but be careful not to step in the Olumboola.
Govicron is convinced that the UK’s hugely successful jabbing frenzy might allow the cunning Ulumboola variant to sneak in via the back door and kill at least 127% of the British population – some of them twice. He told a flat-packed press conference of transhuman graphene chatbots earlier this week:
“Because of this completely unforeseen development in the global struggle to deal with the greatest threat to humanity since Karl Swab, we have upgraded the Scareython index from 35 to 7 zillion – as well as declaring a national disaster emergency crisis drama. Importantly, we are also instituting a policy of mandatory cross-dressing, to be spearheaded by David Beckham with technical assistance from Eddie Izzard”.
Top Covid Tsar Christopher Jabberwhitty further announced a Rooster drive to eradicate every sunrise by June 3022, and then declared at 459 for 8, leaving India a target of 362 to win.
Professor JabberWhitty – or to give him his full title of Saint Christo JabberWhitty, Lord High Keeper General of the Virus and Burner of the Ivermectorics – went on to explain that these latest policy developments were just two examples of a fresh range of Future Order Science (FOS) to replace the now outmoded Science Empirically Numerated Systemic Enterprise (SENSE) which, he asserted, “is OK up to a point but not always in line with our intuitively derived preference for That Which Applies Totality (TWAT)”.
The first question came from Sten O’Graffer, the Bandemic Correspondent of the Daily Mail:
“St Jabb, just so the untutored masses are clear about this, would it be correct to say that when something FOS is suggested, only fully-qualified TWATs have been involved, as opposed to archaic common herd SENSE as put forward by wild-eyed antivax conspiracy heretics?”
“Yes,” JabberWhitty replied, “that would seem to us a balanced view of the correct extrapolation.”
Next up was Toad Elyne from The Mirror:
“Can you give us some more details of the other FOS approaches?” he begged.
JabberWhitty smiled towards the unimposingly obese shape of Doris Jobsdone, and after a brief shuffling of paper, Britain’s Chief Executive politician spoke….
“Aah, well yes er…..thank you um Prof, and as he was aaarh, explaining there haha, we certainly do have as it were more ammo up the spout. Right so, er, could we have the first slide up now please?………..
“Right well, as you can see we have discovered that Omicron invades the body in fact through the eyes not the nasal passages, so as from tomorrow wearing full-face eye, nose and mouth masks will be mandatory for at least 24 hours a day, although the value of that advice may rise or fall depending on what, if anything, happens or what further FOS our boffins come up with.
“That said, it is important that you carry on as normal, and so we are already rush-producing 68 million white sticks in order to alleviate any problems you might have. At first, you may suffer mild side-effects such as disorientation, walking into things, breaking your neck coming down stairs and so forth, but these should only be short-lived, or you will be, it’s not entirely clear as yet…….”
Some of the best movies kid you into thinking that you’re watching one plot, when in reality it’s about something much bigger – The Long Good Friday was a classic of the genre.
A lot of life (for me, anyway) feels like a movie at the moment. One of mine came to a dénouement yesterday afternoon. I was in the process of trying to become safer, but remain unwilling to do it alone. Five months ago I made the acquaintance of a woman who quickly became the focus for feelings I haven’t experienced for half a century. The happy ending I thought was approaching seemed tricky, but really just an unpleasant formality. The “twist” that came at 1 second to midnight was the one thing that hadn’t occurred to me.
I left the confrontation in a hired car, alone, having had my heart and soul ripped out without either anaesthetic or reason; it is hard to discover that a piece of foul turd has been preferred to oneself….and thus one rethinks what exact movie plot one has been playing a role in. Was it…..
- A woman who had lied to me from Day 1 & is in fact totally dependent on her husband to fund expensive habits?
- Me being caught in the crossfire of a marital power game?
- A blackmail threat by him should she leave try to leave him?
- Her son being devastated by her decision to fire his step-Dad?
- Her desire to test his feelings by – literally – seeing if he’d cry?
- A last-minute change of mind by her?
- A bored wife simply out for a better fuck than the one in her marital bed?
She had asked me to lie about how advanced our relationship was (like a fool, I agreed); he spent our time alone bad-mouthing her – odd for a man allegedly begging her to stay. I spoke at length with the son….he thought their marriage was unhappy.
The short answer is that I may never know.
For the moment, I’m blank and empty. So please make allowances in the coming weeks.
The Slog 