The “President” stated this very clearly yesterday. He has stated his certainty by using a specific day twice before. But now he is so ‘convinced’, he hasn’t stated a specific day at all. Joe Biden is also convinced that a brain fairy is hiding under his cot, taking showers with minors produces immunity to mRNA debris, and there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation as to why he attended the presser in a rather fetching pure silk white formal chungsam dress.

In a new DoH bid to calm fears in the light of 40 million kindergarten deaths so far in 2022, a new media campaign has been launched, reminding parents not to fuck about too much when children clutch their chests and then fall over. “I suppose we’re all getting a little blasé about infant heart attacks,” commented CNN devotée Isadora Wall, “but well, you know, they happen all the time….have done for years, but it was all covered up by the Far Right in their concerted attempt to destroy public health services. I had myself personally literally eleven heart attacks before the age of seven and that was long before these life-saving, rigorously tested and utterly harmless Covid vaccinations came along. It is our civic duty to kill every wild conspiracy theorist we meet and then jab them to be on the safe side”.

And just in (but not necessarily Truedeau) at our global roving all-seeing GlobaSlog Breaking Wind desk is news that the ‘DT’ abbreviation used for Daily Telegraph now stands for delirium tremens. Below is tragic evidence of a serious attack of the Morning DTs. A newspaper once renowned for its towering conservative independence has now become a Towering Inferno of clumsily scripted, inflammatory nonsense that even Lorne Greene would reject out of hand….

Bear with us now as we list the examples of 24 carat Goldie Oldie Izvestia classics in today’s online Delirious Telegraph lead feature:

• An invasion which shows no signs of happening is about to destroy a model democracy that has rarely been anything except a corruptly divided nightmare
• A small part of Eastern Ukraine declaring ‘full military mobilisation’ is rather like Wolfie’s Tooting Popular Front declaring war on the United States without the comfort of either popularity or weapons
• Alleged Russian genocide accusations are highly unlikely to ‘pave the way’ for an invasion that is ‘potential’. Thus far, the potential for Russian invasion has proved to be well below par
• Putin overseeing test firing personally (How TF else would he do it?) doesn’t mean he personally designed the missiles. Nor does it make the ‘potential’ – there’s that weaselly agitprop word again – nuclear weapons nuclear as such
• “Old fashioned Russian Imperialism” was last seen in the Crimean War of 1856. For the hard of subtracting, that was one hundred and sixty six years ago. Since then we have had the USSR, the post-USSR anarchic mafia nightmare, and the emergence of Vladimir Putin as a popular leader determined to reform and defend the country of his birth. I now need somebody who knows something more than diddly-squat to educate me as to why, in the name of all things approaching logic, this inestimably smart Statesman would want to embark on a programme of European conquest given the presence of NATO nuclear capability and an emerging united EU armed force.
• “The West has forgotten why it matters that our enemy Putin doesn’t win”. The thinking equipment behind this silly article is Charles Moore, a once fine journalist who has now traded his marbles in return for the right to pen nonsense. I beg you, read the piece: it is playground character assassination employing passages like ‘Because of our temperamental aversion to conflict, the West has tended to think this might be our fault. We feel guilty about the Russian accusation that the United States and its allies broke assurances to the Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev, in 1990, that NATO would not expand eastwards after the reunification of Germany’. Err, umm, why would we not feel guilty about it? Pray tell me, how many former Warsaw Pact countries have been sucked into an increasingly dictatorial (and dysfunctional) EU since 1990? Moore does not produce a single verifiable fact to support his opening ex cathedra assertion that Putin is “our enemy”.

I know perfectly well that my view will be rubbished, rejected as “naive”, shadow-banned on Twitter – and ignored in the Facebook swamp of obedience blinded by narcissism.

I can only close this sunny Saturday afternoon by asking one simple question: what does anyone anywhere on this planet imagine in the way of species good will come from provoking conflict about a buffer State that the West doesn’t understand, and the Russians dislike as an untreatable bubon on their borders?

John Ward is currently farting about with smartphones, hats, mirrors and other dubious disguises in an attempt to attract undeserved attention. He is a damned nuisance in the way of genuine progress towards a better world. He is playing with fire. He is, not to beat about the bush, an awkward bastard who refuses to cut losses and move on. He is not especially comfortable in his skin, but remains at a loss to find another one worth wearing.