Queen Elizabeth II has tested positive for Covid variant 6,510 and is experiencing the symptoms of a light cold. It is thought to be HMS (Her Majesty’s Sickie) Omicron. Despite being 95 years old, Lillibet has said it will not interfere with her duties. This is the same deadly mutant that gave Michael Gove an attack of the vapours a month ago when he claimed to be in possession of “profoundly disturbing information” about the South African export’s ability to do unspeakable things to human beings. Clearly, he was lying through his disgustingly blubbery lips and yellowing teeth. (You may not have met the Goveling. I have.)
Doris Jobsdone declared that Vladimir Putin is being “irrational” on the subject of Ukraine on the same day that Ukrainian nationalists started firing an assortment of explosive things into the North Eastern pro-Russian part of the country. My foreskin knows more about Ukraine than the Prime Minister, which is a terrifying reality given that most of it was removed during plastic surgery fifty years ago. The foreskin, not the Prime Minister.
Precisely one second before Putin the baby-eater was due to convert Ukraine into a nuclear pancake, “President” Biden agreed to a summit with the Russian leader on the strict condition that there are no more invasions of Ukraine before Thursday next. Queen Elizabeth told Mr Putin to stop being so selfish “eeand for heavins seak invade the bladdy plaice so we can geet orl theis ghastly unplisssantneyess ava with”.
Vlad confirmed that he would be playing the role of Neville Chamberlain in the forthcoming movie.
Time now for poetry corner & tonight’s contribution from our resident limerick expert, Val Garrety:
In the middle of a day when my noddle’s in a muddle
and my ego needs a cuddle
I demand my right to piddle in a puddle.
But if the puddle’s in a Lidl
I might everyone befuddle
so I say to all who try to stop my flow –
“It’s a bad idea to fiddle with a fella in the middle
of a piddle in a puddle
for you never really know –
when he might swivel to your huddle
asking why there was a puddle
in the middle of a Lidl” – it’s ever such a riddle –
and don’t give me that drivel
that you thought up on the hoof
about some leakage in the roof.
Morale of the Tale: Never ask a chap a question when he’s in mid-pee, as the resultant conversation may involve a degree of unwelcome precipitation.
The preceding silliness has been a coping strategy for me today. I’m not a drama queen, but around midday I was made aware of something that – apparently – had already been featured in the UK Daily Mail:
‘….explosions shook eastern Ukraine late on Saturday’
Eastern Ukraine is at the core of the pro-Russian Ukrainian minority. It was being shelled by the pro-NATO Ukrainians armed with US missiles and long-range guns.
Don’t be fooled: as AJC Boone’s meticulous analysis based on solid diplomatic experience (she is an American by the way) made clinically clear twelve days ago here, the Ukraine is a rainbow of eggs ranging from curate to bad on all sides…with very little sign of anything sunny side up. But this much is brutally obvious….the Eastern region was shelled by proto-fascists bankrolled by all the usual warmongering neocon Dystopians.
Don’t get me wrong: we are not going to die in a nuclear war just yet. But this one hundred per cent confected crisis is no different to the one falsely drummed up by Adolf Hitler on the subject of the CzechoSlovak Sudetenland “Germans” in 1938. And if you’re a CNN addict and don’t know about that calumny, then look it the fuck up you eternally accepting braindead morons.
It seems to me obvious that a wave of do-gooder jingoism is being whipped up to both obfuscate and distract from the global wealth heist.
One would expect the US Democratic Party and the UKEU left to be on the side of the side of The People in all this. I bring sad tidings: they are batting from the other side of the wicket.
These are dark times. As I’ve been saying for three months now, virtue signalling from a safe distance is no longer enough.
The Slog 