SATURDAY SATIRE: The Slog sums up on Skripal, and the Foreign Secretary offers an exclusive endorsement

metoday4We have come a long way from Nixon in 1973 to Johnson in 2018. I rather suspect that, while Time has moved predictably forwards, Truth, Liberty, media independence and public discernment have gone backwards. So as it begins to look increasingly unlikely that Corbynista Labour will drag Boris into the dock (with public boredom of The Skripal Affair already apparent)  – and also taking into account that MI5 has threatened to kidnap my grandchildren – I have decided to display my toady side. And I am delighted to say that Boris Johnson has contributed by proffering a full endorsement of my summation. Sick bags at the ready, everyone.



The above image was splashed all over social media last year by the “LeftLib” people we trust to tell us when we are being stupid about stuff. I for one am eternally grateful for Progressive help on this issue as, given the choice, I have always struggled with the shit v sugar thing.

The Soft Left have since then been infinitely helpful in relation to the dastardly poisoning of two innocent Russian double-agents in the strategically vital English town of Salisbury. Correctly from the outset, they have supported the irrefutable evidence of Russian nastiness based on categorical assurances from Porton Down that there was no doubt Vladimir Putin planned the whole thing. And that is why, my friends, they have joined in with the criticism of Russia.

For as recommended above, they were given some evidence from MI5’s Boris Johnson, and then became understandably critical of all things Russian. Let’s face it, it’s what happens in a democratic society with a free press.

In doing so, they have loyally joined hands with all those reliably steady Conservative voters who represent the things that really matter to wise suburban, reliably steady Conservative voters. In times of great peril – and who among us can argue that we are not in unprecedented peril from Russian plans to poison Western Europe with nerve agents that almost kill? – we must all huddle together and show the Russian Bear that it has hugely underestimated our desire to pin the blame firmly where our instinctively trained free-thinking and open-minded discernment tells us it belongs.

Does anyone in the West not a cast-iron patient ready for the Looney Bin seriously doubt the word of Theresa May in relation to the appalling mortality rate in Salisbury where, since this incident, a lot more than 13 people aged over 95 have died? And who would cast the first stone at our Foreign Secretary (a man welcome among the Great and Good of our media owners and financial experts) and his unswerving consistency from Day 1 in asserting that the brightest and best chemical warfare consultants in Porton Down were categorical about something? Be in no doubt: Mr Johnson did not get where he is today by knowing where the evidence went yesterday…for he is a man who always looks forward to the next convivial cricket match. This is what makes him one of us.

As the drama unfolded – and early wild speculation unravelled – slowly but surely the forces of law and order upon which we all rely established the core truth behind the infernal Russian spin machine. All became clear as the authorities shared with us:

  • Top Secret Aerial photographs of Russian buildings whose sole purpose was, undeniably, the production of Novichok…a deadly nerve agent that kills people, and then cruelly brings them back to life…but murders house-pets indiscriminately
  • Reports of a raid upon a Russian passenger plane foiled by fiendish cabin staff loyal to the despot Putin
  • Expert forensic examination of a front-door handle so toxically deadly, two unprotected policemen were posted to guard it round the clock
  • Thorough examination of Mr Skripal’s BMW motor car which proved conclusively that the nerve agent had been pumped into the air-conditioning system
  • Exhaustive tests upon Ms Skripal’s attache case showing how Putin fanatics in Moscow had, without a shadow of a doubt, placed the nerve agent in it when she wasn’t looking
  • Comprehensive briefing of a Court of Protection judge enabling him to conclude that the Skripal’s Russian family were all fakes, whose evidence would thus be of no value
  • Condemnation of Russian espionage elements in Salisbury Hospital, the local police force and Porton Down, who stuck though thick and thin to the ludicrous story that nobody in Salisbury was ill at all as a result of the brutal Putin-inspired attack
  • The backing of those EU leaders who, throughout the Brexit negotiations, had shown themselves to be unstinting supporters of plucky Britain’s desire for self-determination as an alternative to life under the steel-tipped jackboot of the Red Army which pretends not to be Red any more but of course we know better.

Naturally, non-violent extremists (NVEs) out to destroy Britain continue to raise irrelevant issues about independent UN enquiries, German TV interviews where Mr Johnson was asked a lot of impertinently direct questions, and opinions offered by unrepresentative Porton Down spin doctors about whether the nerve agent Novichok was involved, and where it might not have been manufactured. But in a tolerant society, this is the price we must pay for our freedom: there will always be those Useful Idiots who prefer the word of our enemies to that of our protectors. With no evidence at all, they persist in ignoring the mountain of evidential proof that Russia is guilty of the most heinous Peace Crime in modern history.

And so, let us steel ourselves to our task. We shall fight them in the media, we shall fight them on the websites, but we will never surrender. For if the Special Relationship should last for a thousand years, later peoples will say, “This was its darkest hour”.


From the Secretary of State for Foreign & Commonwealth Affairs:

Fellow Neoconservatives,

During 1971-2, when Richard Nixon floated one or two small amendments to the US Constitution, the hidden Communists in American society and their wicked allies in the press and on the Dick Cavett Show spun a ridiculous yarn suggesting that dozens of the President’s aides had broken into the Democratic headquarters at the Watergate in order to steal secret papers and plant bugs.

Subsequent research showed that the men were harmless plumbers who, after something of a rowdy night out, stumbled on the syllable ‘water’ in the Watergate entrance sign, and thought it would be an absolute hoot if they messed with the pipes a little.

Disloyal elements in the police force then arrested several of the harmless drunks, and two opportunist Washington Post Reds made a disgraceful fortune by recognising some of the accuseds’ names, pretending they were important White House staff, and using leaks from some whore called Deep Throat who should’ve been thrown into Gunatanamo Bay for treason anyway.

Despite assurances that the President’s secretary had accidentally erased 7.3 million miles of tape-recorded Oval Office conversations with the heel of her left shoe while clinging to a nearby chandelier as part of her daily Tai Chi exercises, wreckers in the Democratic ranks of Congress and the media proceeded to bully other Nixon aides into show-trial “confessions” of guilt, guided as always by their meddling masters in Moscow. One by one, spineless White House staff deserted the President.

Thus, despite his very best efforts, Richard Milhaus Nixon was eventually brought to what was laughingly called “Justice”, and forced to resign just before he was impeached and thank God he so courageously spared us from such a shameless spectacle of Commie revenge.

So I and others in Her Majesty’s Government still loyal to our allies in NATO and the EU are greatly heartened that no similar course of events has been allowed to unfold in relation to the swiftly foiled mass nerve-gas attack on Salisbury, so clearly attempted by international paedophile pest Vladimir Rasputin and his hidden allies in the ranks of Mr Jeremy Corbyn’s Opposition Party.

Only last weekend, Rupert Murdoch – the devoted husband of ageing starlet Jerry Hall – pointed out that Corbyn has personally groomed a crack militia of Hate Gangs. This not only turned public attention towards a convenient half-truth, it also helped them forget about nerve agents and focus once more on the positive task of hating Hate.

Since then, our proud Bobbies have once again displayed their fortitude and unswerving loyalty to the State as represented by the Conservative Party. Without fear for their own safety, police officers have ignored knifings, rapes and lots of our Islamic friends praying variousy on grass and tarmac, in order to stick to their guns and our story about poison in Salisbury. So it was that, when two of the Skripal’s pets died, the local constabulary immediately dug up half the county in its search for clues.

In the course of doing so, they unearthed a veritable treasure-trove of shale, and so Mr Putin and his Politburo Gang of Olympic Nazis have seen their beastly chemical plans not only foiled, but also had to swallow the poetic justice of Britain beginning the process of becoming self-sufficient in shale oil, quite possibly until as late as February 2019.

Finally, I am pleased to announce that our innocent friends Sergei and Yuria Skripal’s post mortem examinations will no longer be necessary, as – thanks to the miraculous research of Porton Down scientists – they are both recovering rapidly. This will, I trust, also serve to silence a lot of moaning harpy nurses constantly drivelling on about the bankruptcy of the Good Ship NHS. It is in fact in rude health whenever we need it to be, thanks to the diligent role played by U-Boat Captain Jeremy von Knut beneath the waves, where he is safe from the attentions of a lot of bloggers poking their noses into things that don’t concern them.

These bloggers will already have noted that their hit-rates are falling, due in no small part to the corrective attention paid to such industrial-scale liars as the bitter diplomatic reject Craig Murray-Firth….plus also the limited attention span of 93% of the population of the United Kingdom – in whom, as always, we trust.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend free at last from the threat of nerve gas, hot air and treasonous Unbritish propaganda.



PS Copies of the Novichok Nerve Factory photographs we released are available from Doris Jobsdone Aerial Snaps (2018) plc, price only £79.99 plus p&p, at the website